I hate to admit it, but most of my life has been based on trial and error…with error being emphasized. My parents were both depression kids with parents who provided the essentials but who did not speak into the lives of their children beyond clean your room and play outside. My parents did the same for me… “Do your chores, play outside, don’t get into trouble.” They never spoke into my life or taught me many life skills that I needed to know. When I graduated from high school I moved away, found a job, went to work, and started college without any direction from them. This was before Google, so I didn’t even know who to ask about car insurance, health insurance, job interviews, relationships, spirituality, or opening a bank account. On top of that, I was embarrassed that I didn’t know these things. I had no relationships with older men and so I learned from peers who knew little more than I did or I just stumbled along experimenting with life.
When I became a Christian at age 24, I still had no one step up and ask if I could use some help growing in my faith or learning how to be a Christian husband or father. I didn’t even know enough to ask someone to fill that role for me. My first marriage ended in divorce. I stumbled along spiritually. I faithfully attended church and served in the church. I grew in my Bible knowledge, but didn’t really know how to apply the principles I was learning to my life. I knew nothing about spiritual warfare which was crushing me and had no one to tell me about it. I eventually learned these things, but it was a long, slow, and sometimes painful learning curve.
In reflection, if I had been connected to some mature mentors, my relational and spiritual life would have been on target with accelerated growth and I would not have had to climb out of the ditch so often. So, whether you are male or female, I encourage you to find a mentor and spend some time with that person to prepare you for your next few years. You need someone to speak into your spiritual life, your relational life and your career. You may find it all in the same person, or you may need several different people. Our first response is usually, “How would I find that person?” Let me give you some simple guidelines for the process.
1. Ask God to connect you to that person. God does not intend for us to “go it alone” in our spiritual life. We need spiritual mothers and fathers or, at least, big brothers and sisters to help us navigate life. God is quite willing to help you make that connection.
2. Make sure you are able to receive from a mentor. You need to be convinced that you need a guide and must be willing to receive from that person and prayerfully put their direction into practice. Mentors do not always have the answer, but give serious consideration to their words.
3. Clarify what you are needing from a mentor. What areas of your life do you need him or her to speak in to? Which areas do you need to grow in first?
4. Have realistic expectation for your mentor. If these are people you want to hear from, they are probably very busy. You can expect to meet once a week for a while and then once a month for a while. Keep your visit to an hour or hour and a half and do not abuse the time they are giving you. Take notes when you are with them. You are asking them for their time, so make your meeting times convenient for them as much as possible. Set an end date for the mentoring when you request it…three to four meetings over coffee, three months, six months, etc. The mentor can extend those times if he or she feels led to do so, but asking a busy person for an open-ended commitment is not a good plan.
The next major question is how do I find this person who will speak into my life?
1. First, think of the people you already know and look up to. As much as possible, make sure this person has character and judgment…not just financial success or notoriety. Find a person who you know already invests in other people and encourages them.
2. If you are in a church setting, ask your pastors who they might recommend or get into a multi-generational life group or Bible study. Some of the most profound testimonies I have heard have been from couples or individuals who intentionally got into a group with older men and women. Those older believers became informal mentors who shared experiences and perspectives simply in group conversations. You may then approach one of those men or women to spend some one-on-one time with you as you get to know them and feel God’s direction or simply ask someone to coffee or lunch to begin a conversation that might lead to mentorship.
3. Be aware that many older people have a real desire to use their wisdom and life experiences to help others along the way. They are often flattered that you asked. If they say they cannot meet with you now, they may be glad to do so at a later date, so keep that option open. Too often, we feel like we are imposing if we ask to spend some time with another person. Let them make that decision. They may be “maxed out” right now, but would be glad to meet with you in a few weeks.
4. Be prayerful about the person you approach. Ask around. Observe. What is the long-term fruit of their life? What is their family life like? What is their business reputation? Are they known to be fair, have integrity, and encourage others rather than just using them? Have they produced good spiritual fruit and raised up others over a long period? Do the people who know them best, respect them? Have they grown through their mistakes? Do they have a genuine humility about them? What do you sense the Holy Spirit is telling you about that individual?
Scripture is clear that we need others in our life. In fact, God designed the body of Christ to need one another as some have one gift, while others have another. We are to have people in our lives that sharpen us, encourage us and even admonish us. Again, I encourage you to find a mentor even a group of mentors or an individual or couple who might share their wisdom for marriage and parenting. Doing so will be like finding a road map for the next journey you are about to take, rather than just driving and hoping you reach your destination. Blessings.
