Several good models for understanding the nature of emotional and spiritual wounds and their healing are based on the concept of needs and fears. The idea is that, as children, we have legitimate or perceived needs. When those needs go unmet or are perceived to go unmet, then we develop fears around those unmet needs. To protect ourselves, we develop emotional defense mechanisms that we believe will protect us from being hurt again.
For instance, if my need for security went unmet as a child and I experienced uncertainty and chaos in my family, I might develop a high need for control which makes me feel safe because my welfare is never placed in the hands of another. If I was constantly disappointed as a child, I might develop an outlook of hopelessness or cynicism. If I never expect good things to happen, then I won’t be disappointed when good things don’t happen. If I experienced some form of betrayal as a child, then I might develop a mindset of distrust so that I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me or betray me again. Objectively, we can look at these defense mechanisms and see that, ultimately, those mindsets still won’t keep us from being hurt by others but those who maintain them believe that they will.
On top of that, those defense mechanisms keep us from experiencing love, emotional connection, joy, optimism, adventure, and even faith because we typically extend those defense mechanisms even to our relationship with God. The needs/fears model also suggests that we primarily have our needs met by different positions or roles in the family. We primarily derive our identity, protection, and provision from our father or whoever our father figure is. We derive companionship and heart to heart communication from our siblings or close friends. We get our needs met for comfort, nurture, and teaching from our mothers. According to this model these needs and the family positions we look to for meeting our needs correspond to the Godhead. The father role is Father God. The siblings and friends role reflects Jesus and the mother’s role falls to the Holy Spirit.
If our earthly father failed to meet our needs, then we will probably have difficulty connecting to and trusting our heavenly Father. If we failed to connect with siblings or friends or were betrayed by friends, we may have difficulty connecting with or trusting Jesus. If our mother did not meet the needs that we would primarily derive from her, then we may have difficulty in receiving the love, comfort and leading of the Holy Spirit. I don’t think this is a perfect model because no model is perfect, but I think it offers a lot for us to consider.
Somewhere in the process, the wounded believer must discover the wounds that came from unmet needs, forgive those who did not meet their needs or who wounded them, and discover that the Godhead is not subject to the same failings and weaknesses that our biological families and friends are subject to. If these defense mechanisms are not dealt with, they will eventually be maintained or enforced by demons. Ultimately, the solution for every problem in life is trust in God. If you think about it, underneath just about every story and miracle in scripture, God is calling out for his people to trust him. Faith is not just a belief that God exists, but that he exists and can also be completely trusted. Think about it. God offers protection, provision, companionship, comfort, healing, teaching, nurture, and heart-to-heart communication – even eternal life. He offers to meet every legitimate need that we have when those who are limited by the flesh fail us.
There are many ministry methodologies to help believers receive inner healing through Jesus. After all, he came to heal the brokenhearted. But we can start that process by beginning to pray for the Spirit to birth trust in us for the Father, Son, and Spirit. That is where the real battle is and where most of us need to give some attention. When we trust God to meet our needs, we no longer have to maintain our walls of protection. When they come down, life gets better, relationships are richer, and the sun shines a little brighter each day. Pray about it.
