None of us enjoy rejection. We don’t wake up in the morning excited about the possibilities of being rejected multiple times during the day. We may wake up with an expectation of rejection, but not a desire for it. Rejection wounds like nothing else because it suggests that we are unacceptable, unworthy, unlovable, or defective.
Contrary to most psychological theories today, I believe that we are born with a deep-seated sense of defectiveness that has been passed down to us since the Garden of Eden and the fall of man. Its hard to recognize but at some level it nags at us. Remember, before Adam and Eve took a bite from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they walked around naked, “in front of God and everybody,” and felt no fear and no shame. They were completely secure in their sense of who they were and in their relationship with God and one another. Then they ate and the universe radically shifted. Suddenly, they were afraid and ashamed. They were hiding from God, scrambling to cover themselves, and blaming everyone else for what had just happened.
As a result, children (and adults) have an innate need for affirmation. Some crying is simply to find out if someone will come and comfort them so that they have a sense of significance in their own little world. Why do most small children want to be held? Why do they constantly cry, “Look at me!” if not for some kind of affirmation? Why do they constantly bring their “art” work to parents for some kind of approval, seeking coveted space on the refrigerator door? I think it is because, they are uncertain of their worth and their significance. They want someone to tell them that they are okay because, deep inside, something hints that they may not be.
Why does it take ten positive statements to overcome one negative statement? I think it is because our default setting is a feeling of defectiveness that hurts deeply when something or someone suggests that we are, indeed, defective. Children who get healthy attention, nurture, and affirmation growing up seem to cope fairly well with the niggling question of whether or not they really matter. Those who are not nurtured, but are abandoned, abused, or neglected fight a terrible uphill battle with rejection most of their lives.
Satan maneuvered Adam and Eve into a scenario that had the flavor of rejection – expulsion from the immediate presence of God. They did not see removal from the Garden as discipline or even grace but feared that it meant total rejection and abandonment by their Father. I think Satan fueled that fear. How many of us have seen a child (or an adult child) goad someone into breaking the rules and then begin to crow, “Oh, you’re going to get it now!” I sense that echoes Satan’s follow up to, “you won’t surely die.” Rejection taps into that most ancient of fears and wounds us at the deepest levels.
Rejection comes in all forms…neglect, abuse, criticism, slander, accusation, abandonment, harsh and demeaning words, being ignored, unfaithfulness in a relationships, being passed over for promotion, etc. Rejection hurts because we tend to accept the evaluation of the one rejecting us. We receive their evaluation and conclude that we must indeed be unworthy of love or consideration. Our greatest fear – that we are defective and unworthy – seems to be validated by experiences of rejection, which simply deepen our sense of defectiveness.
Jesus understood our dilemma when he told us that when the world rejects us, it is not us that the world is rejecting, but him. At the core of the gospel is the message that God counts us as immensely significant, that he will never leave us nor forsake us, and that he loved us enough to die for us. Not only that, but he has taken away our shame and made us worthy in Jesus. We are new creations, sons and daughters of the King, with an inheritance of glory. But even with that revelation, we are fragile creatures in this arena of self-image and rejection – so much so that demonic spirits come to magnify the rejection.
In most cases of demonization, the first demon on the scene in a person’s life is a spirit of rejection, who constantly accuses and condemns us, so that our early experiences of rejection, which tapped into our ancient sense of defectiveness, never heal. It is as if the demon keeps tearing the scab off the wound so that it cannot mend. That spirit then projects a filter, so that even innocent statements sound like hateful criticism. Discipline feels like abuse. Correction feels like victimization and humiliation. Because of that filter, our over-the-top pain response to innocent or neutral statements by others, invites rejection because people do not want to be around people who overreact. That demonic filter even makes us immune to compliments and affirmation by suggesting that the affirmation is insincere or that it would not be said if that person really knew us. All of that magnifies our pain and fear of more rejection.
Because of this foundational hurt in the human soul that gives the devil such opportunity, Paul says, “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only that which is good for building up the other person according to knowledge” (Eph.4:29). The writer of Proverbs sums it up this way: “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Pr.12:18).
We need to be a constant source of blessing and affirmation to the world around us. When we do need to point out areas that must be improved, we need to begin with sincere affirmations before we get to the problem. Notice how Paul addressed churches to whom he was writing. He was nearly always writing about some problem that needed to be corrected but, inevitably, hr started by affirming his love and telling them the things he appreciated about them before discussing the problem. He then ended with more affirmation of his love. Jesus took the same approach in his letters to the seven churches of Asia in the Book of Revelation.
The world, for the most part, struggles with a sense of rejection and the enemy fuels the flames. Encouraging, affirming words are like oxygen to a drowning man for most people. The tongue has the power of life and death (Pr.18:21) and we are to be a source of life to all those around us – as much as possible. If we are the one who is tormented by rejection, we need to seek healing from the Lord and get in the business of rebuking spirits of rejection, condemnation, and accusation.
In Christ, we are anything but rejected and we need to make a habit of saying so. We need to make a habit of saying, about ourselves, what God says about us while we ask the Holy Spirit for a revelation of that truth in our hearts. If we are in Christ, we are not rejected, not defective, not unworthy, not incompetent, and never alone. We are loved, glorified, and destined for greatness. That is the truth that sets us free. As believers, we should affirm those truths in ourselves as well as in others and we should do so at every opportunity. Be blessed today by who you are in Jesus.
