Many of us, at one time in our lives, have been part of a church where the accepted or expected practice was for individuals, marriages, and families to project an image of relational health and spirituality that approximated the Christian ideal. The truth is that, behind closed doors, very few of those individuals or families were even close to the image they projected. In all fairness, they projected an image of loving spiritual maturity because they feared they would be rejected by their Christian community if they didn’t “have it all together.” I have to admit, in some churches that fear might have been a reality.
The most broken people I know now grew up keeping “family secrets” from friends, teachers, pastors, etc. Abuse, alcoholism, molestation, rage, adultery, etc. lived behind closed doors and were protected by the silence of those who received the wounds as well as the perpetrators. The belief that I must be perfect in order to be loved, so I must keep my imperfections a secret, is crushing. But before we are too harsh with these families, how many of us have our own secrets we do not share … unconfessed addictions, doubts about our faith, flirting at the office, or shameful episodes from our past that still haunt us? The truth is, whatever we keep hidden in darkness has power over us because the devil uses against us.
Our fear of being judged and rejected is the very thing that often keeps us in bondage to the thing we won’t confess. Whatever we won’t acknowledge and confess continues to grow in us like a seed that feeds on darkness. James tells us, “Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:13-16).
Not only physical healing but spiritual and emotional healinganger, come through confession. Confession of sin or weakness is simply choosing to be transparent with God, a mature believer, and even yourself. It is simply agreeing with God about some part of your life that is misaligned with the Father’s will and acknowledging it to others.
Transparency allows healing for several reasons. First of all, many illnesses – physical and emotional – are manifestations of demonic spirits. It is amazing how many illnesses and infirmities in scripture were caused or, at least, maintained or amplified by unclean spirits. The list includes blindness, deafness, seizures, muteness, back problems, etc. All of those were healed immediately after a demon was cast out. We also see individuals tormented by demons and the scriptures name spirits of fear, heaviness (depression), jealousy, confusion, and a host of other spirits that affect our emotions. If we have sin in our lives that we haven’t dealt with through the cross, then that sin gives the enemy a legal right to afflict us until we have confessed the sin and repented. Transparency through confession enables us to rid ourselves of those demons.
Secondly, I believe that everyone’s deepest fear is the fear of being unloved, unwanted or unneeded. We all fear rejection, which comes in many forms. We believe rejection is a true evaluation of our worth, our goodness, or our competence. Of course, it isn’t, but we believe it is and Satan, the accuser, reinforces that belief at every opportunity. We avoid transparency because we fear that if others were aware of our shortcomings, they would no longer accept us or love us. The truth is that many of us have experienced the withdrawal of love because we didn’t live up to another person’s demands or unrealistic expectations. We learn early to hide our failings or to blame others for them. However, as long as we hide our failings, our fears, our weaknesses, or our sins we will never overcome them.
Paul told the church at Galatia, “Brethren, if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal.6:1-2). The sense of “being caught in a trespass” is not that someone discovered another person’s secret sin, but that someone has been entrapped or overtaken by a sin or a weakness.
The wisdom here is that we should confess our sins to the spiritually mature because they will not reject us and will maintain appropriate confidentiality. The spiritually mature are all too aware of their own weaknesses and have long since stopped judging others. They see themselves in a priestly role of hearing confession and dispensing grace to those who need it. It is very healing to share your deepest shame with another person and discover they do not reject you but respond with love and compassion to your vulnerability. The other hook in avoiding transparency in order to be loved, is that we never truly feel loved because we know they are loving a person we pretend to be rather than loving us as we are. We still live with the fear that if they really knew us,they would reject us.
Satan works in the dark. When we hide our sins and our struggles, he will reinforce them and use them against us. He will constantly blackmail us with the fear of discovery until we choose to bring our struggle into the light. He then loses his power over us. Both our acceptance by the spiritually mature and our choice to be transparent with our sins or weaknesses is healing. I want to emphasize that ff you have something to confess, do so with people you can trust. Ask around. People in a church tend to know who will dispense grace and healing rather than judgment. It is usually those who have chosen transparency themselves about their own sin and brokenness.
A third transforming power in transparency is found in John’s first letter. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn.1:8-9). The word translated as “purify” in this verse is a word that means to remove a stain from cloth. Sin leaves a stain – a residue in our hearts, our minds, and even in our genetic makeup. I believe that as we confess our sin and receive God’s forgiveness, the Spirit of God gets busy scrubbing out the stain so that it loses its influence. It no longer remains addictive and has less and less power to draw us back. It loses its ability to produce shame in us and even the memories take on a different meaning for us.
Confession or transparency also tends to broaden our own awareness of areas within us where the Spirit needs to do some work. Just as important, sharing my fears and my failings with someone else is also an exercise in taking personal responsibility for my actions. That is also a first giant step in spiritual maturity.
The decision to be transparent with someone is a powerful step toward freedom and healing. In many cases, God requires it. Transparency and acceptance have been the power and attraction of twelve step programs for decades and the church, in many places, could take a page from their playbook.
As essential as transparency is, I will admit that not every environment is safe for us to be open about our struggles. Because of that, I suggest that you ask the Lord to lead you to a safe place. Some churches are very transparent because their leaders are transparent. Perfection isn’t required and if someone pretends to be perfect, they are not trusted in those churches. Small groups can be that place of safety. If that is not available, ask around and find a spiritually mature person to mentor you. In that mentoring relationship you will find safety to be transparent. Moments of transparency are transformative. Even Jesus, who was without sin, was transparent with his closest disciples. He didn’t try to be superman. He acknowledged that he was tired. He expressed doubt and frustration at times. In the Garden, he shared that his soul was overcome with sorrow and dread and asked them to stay with him and pray.
We need people with whom we can be totally transparent. It is healing and it is a significant door to freedom. But I also believe that we should not live life as an open book because many people can’t be trusted with our openness. The gospels tell us that Jesus wouldn’t entrust himself to men because he knew what was in their hearts. But he was transparent with those closest to him.
Our transparency must be guided by wisdom and not recklessness or a false sense of spirituality because we are totally open and totally frank. Proverbs tells us to measure our words and speak them at just the right time and in just the right ways, rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind at any moment. Having said that, however, we will not overcome some of our deepest wounds and most besetting sins until we own them and openly talk to someone about them. Commit to it and ask God to provide that moment and the people you need. At this time of year, I would encourage you to take that step in 2025. Don’t keep your struggles behind closed doors, so you will not still be in bondage to fear and shame when 2026 roles around.
