Fifteen years ago, I asked a faithful Christian woman, we will call Mary Ellen, when she was going to forgive her former husband. It was a hard question. She had been physically and emotionally abused even beyond what most abused women have had to endure. She had fled from that husband five years earlier, moved far away from him, and had started over with a new marriage. The problem was that her new marriage wasn’t going well either. She had come in seeking answers and, after three sessions, I felt compelled to ask the question. In fifteen years I haven’t forgotten her response. With her hands clenched into fists, the veins on her neck popping out, and her jaws tightened, she snarled, “Forgive him? Forgive him? I hope he burns in hell for what de did to me!” In her heart there was no impulse to forgive and in her mind she felt totally justified in hoping for his eternal damnation.

Although this was a woman who had grown up in church faithfully serving in various ministries, she was in bondage to bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness. She was the poster child for the old saying that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison, believing that it will make the other person sick.” She was aware of the multiple verses in which Jesus was very clear that if we don’t forgive those who have sinned against us, then our heavenly Father will not forgive our sins against him (Mt.6:14-15, Mt. 18, etc.). She simply felt that her case was exceptional so that those verses did not apply to her. The truth was that the toxic bitterness and rage she still felt against her first husband was spilling over into this new marriage and poisoning it.

Of all the sins that Christian men and women are in bondage to, I believe that unforgiveness is the most common and, in the long run, the most destructive. It is also the most common because we have all been wounded and betrayed and have all felt fully justified in our anger or bitterness toward the perpetrator.

In fact, we have likely been truly justified in our feelings. We just haven’t been justified in holding on to those feelings and keeping them alive. Because we are justified in our feelings in the beginning, we feel justified in keeping those feelings alive forever. But the decision not to forgive is where sin begins and when the door swings open for the enemy to enter. It is even where we begin to take offense at God when we discover that he is not hammering the person who wounded us.

Concerning unforgiveness, the apostle Paul counsels us, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Eph.4:26-27, ESV). This verse reveals several things. First of all, we can experience anger and not sin. Perhaps, our anger is a righteous anger such as the anger Jesus demonstrated in the temple when he was turning over the tables of the moneychangers. Perhaps, it is just the normal human experience of anger welling up within us when we feel threatened or betrayed. There is a point, however, in which our failure to manage our anger becomes sin.

Our experience of anger becomes sin when we take the next steps of retaliating against the person who wounded us or when we choose to nurture our anger to keep it alive. We forget that Paul had some experience with the kind of rage that begins to take control of a person. As Saul of Tarsus, he was not just attempting to discourage false doctrines about Jesus of Nazareth from arising within the Jewish community. Rather, he was described as one who was “breathing out threats and slaughter” against the church (see Acts 9:1). He was the one who coordinated the stoning of Stephen in Acts 7, without any evidence of remorse. Saul was a man who was full of rage and obsessed with the destruction of Jewish people who simply had come to believe that Jesus was the Messiah. Before his encounter with Jesus, Saul was not a righteous man trying to defend truth, but an angry man filled with rage against people he had never met. He was in bondage to his anger in the same way that Mary Ellen was in bondage to hers.

We are also told that we should not let the sun go down on our anger. In other words, deal with it in short order. Don’t even go to bed until you have dealt with it as Jesus would. Why? Because…any kind of prolonged unforgiveness gives the devil an opportunity to establish a beachhead in our hearts. Some of the older translations say that we must not “give the devil a foothold.” The Greek word is “topos” and means a position, a sanctuary, or some standing in our lives. When we refuse to forgive or keep putting it off, we come into agreement with Satan. All Adam and Eve did was to come into agreement with Satan. Whatever we agree with, we give authority in our lives and you never want Satan to have any authority in your life.

Many Christians are not living a spiritually abundant life nor are they making progress in their faith or their freedom because they have chosen not to extend forgiveness to someone in their life. They unknowingly have given Satan a foothold that has probably become a silent stronghold over the years. A satanic stronghold is not typically the stuff that The Exorcist was made of where the presence of demons is totally weird, extreme, and unmistakable. Typically, strongholds manifest as compelling, persistent thought patterns that, in the case of anger, keep anger alive and provide total justification for continuing in our unforgiveness.

From these strongholds, the devil tells us that our case is the exception to the commands and warnings of Jesus about a refusal to forgive. He convinces us that our case is so extreme that it is not the kind of thing Jesus was talking about when he insisted on forgiving our enemies or he convinces us that we have been hurt so deeply that it is impossible for us to forgive. Because it is impossible, Jesus will give us a pass on that command. He will go on to convince us that our anger is righteous and just because to forgive would let evil people off the hook or excuse their behavior altogether. He will also tell is that our anger and unforgiveness is the very thing that protects us from more hurt and, therefore, is both necessary and justified.

The problem is that Jesus gave no exceptions to the rule and demonstrated the “no exception” clause on the cross when he asked the Father to forgive those who had just betrayed, beaten, and crucified him. What we must understand is that forgiveness is primarily for us, not for those who have wounded us. Forgiveness frees our heart from bitterness, from the past, and from those who would continue to hurt us. Forgiveness keeps the devil out and keeps us from poisoning our own wells. Forgiveness opens the door to God’s blessings in our lives and aligns our hearts with the heart of Jesus. Justice will be done. God will deal with those unrepentant individuals who go through life harming others whether you have forgiven them or not. If they are not right with God, he will deal with them. The bigger question is always whether or not we are right with God.

Forgiveness frees, heals, and makes reconciliation possible when it would bless all parties. It is the ultimate chance to trust God by doing the very thing that seems most risky and trusting him to bless and protect us in our obedience. It is the ultimate measure of how aligned our hearts are with his. The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that there are no “exception clauses” for us, no justification to ignore his command, and that God only asks us to do those things that bless us. After that, we can receive God’s help in fulfilling his commands.

So…what do we do when the faithful fail? What do we do when we fail, when we slip back into a sin we thought we had left far behind, or when weakness overcomes our faith? There are many who would say that the cleansing of deep regret and overwhelming feelings of guilt are the right response to realign our hearts with the Father. Many of us believe that a sense of shame and guilt and the emotional pain of our failure will keep us from sliding into sin again. But there is an interesting passage in Nehemiah that raises a question about that course.

In the book of Nehemiah we find the prophet in exile. Jerusalem had been sacked and burned and the best and brightest of the Jews deported. When word reached Nehemiah that the city he loved was still devastated with the walls lying in heaps of rubble and the gates burned he cried out to God. God moved King Artaxerxes to allow Nehemiah to return to Jerusalem and restore the city. After a remarkable restoration project, the wall and city gates were rebuilt. Nehemiah and the people were certain that all the things that had happened to Israel were because of their sins, so when the wall was completed Nehemiah called for a solemn assembly to re-consecrate the people and the city. Ezra the priest stood and read the Book of the Law to all the people.

The text says, “They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read.   Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, “This day is sacred to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep.” For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh.8:8-10).

The natural response of the people to their sin and the righteous standards of their God was to weep as they felt the guilt and shame of their sins and the sins of their fathers. And yet, God instructed them not to weep but to celebrate. This is a clear picture of the difference between condemnation and conviction.

Condemnation is a tool of the enemy that he uses against us when we fail. Condemnation produces shame and shame pushes us away from the Father at the very moment that we need to be drawing close. Remember, Adam and Eve felt shame in the garden at the moment of their sin and the realization of their nakedness. That shame caused them to hide from the Father and to blame others for what they had chosen to do. Satan loves to come and condemn. In response to the enemy’s strategy, Paul declares that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom.8:1).

Shame is the very thing that drives many of us to sin in an effort to cover or medicate our sense of unworthiness. Our unbearable feelings of insignificance, defectiveness, and inadequacy drive many to substance abuse, sexual addictions, comfort eating, and so forth. Condemnation simply increases our shame and our need to medicate so that we get caught in a destructive cycle. Condemnation convinces us that even God can’t love and that being the case … we are on our own. When we are on our own we are dangerous to ourselves and others.

Even in the face of their sins, Israel was commanded to celebrate rather than weep. The celebration was not a statement that their sins did not matter, but rather a recognition that God’s love and grace were greater than their sin. It was a celebration of God’s love and mercy that draws us back to him rather than driving us away.

In the Nehemiah passage, God calls on us to focus on his grace rather than on our failings. Bill Johnson speaks to this when he says, “The real problem is not in what we lack, but how we respond to what God has said. Focusing on our problems more than God’s answers should be a dead giveaway that we’re really dealing with condemnation not the Holy Spirit’s conviction. Focus on God’s answers – not your problems. When the Holy Spirit shows us where we are falling short. The bigger reality is not the areas where we’re not yet walking in our destiny, but the destiny itself…The conviction of the Holy Spirit is actually a call to turn our focus away from our sin and our limitations. He’s saying, ‘You’re made for more than this. Lift your head and set your sights higher’” (Bill Johnson, Strengthen Yourself in the Lord, p.136-137; Destiny Image).

There is a time for godly sorrow, but the sorrow should quickly turn from our self- focus on our weakness to God’s strength, from our unfaithfulness to his faithfulness, from our failures to his victory, and from our discouragement to his grace. The joy of the Lord is our strength. We will have greater victories over sin if we focus on Him rather than us. The constant goodness of God and his willingness to forgive any sin as soon as our heart turns to him is a reason to celebrate. It does no good for us to wallow in our self-loathing or despise ourselves as if beating ourselves emotionally will pay for our sins or convince God of our sorrow. Our sins are already paid for and the proof of repentance is not found in self-loathing but in loving God.

When we fail in our walk with the Lord, we should own it, confess it quickly, and then get on to celebrating God’s goodness and love. There is joy in that and in that joy we find strength for the next stage of our journey wherever we are. Blessings today as you celebrate the goodness and grace of your Savior.

None of us enjoy rejection. We don’t wake up in the morning excited about the possibilities of being rejected multiple times during the day. We may wake up with an expectation of rejection, but not a desire for it. Rejection wounds like nothing else because it suggests that we are unacceptable, unworthy, unlovable, or defective.

Contrary to most psychological theories today, I believe that we are born with a deep-seated sense of defectiveness that has been passed down to us since the Garden of Eden and the fall of man. Its hard to recognize but at some level it nags at us. Remember, before Adam and Eve took a bite from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they walked around naked, “in front of God and everybody,” and felt no fear and no shame. They were completely secure in their sense of who they were and in their relationship with God and one another. Then they ate and the universe radically shifted. Suddenly, they were afraid and ashamed. They were hiding from God, scrambling to cover themselves, and blaming everyone else for what had just happened.

As a result, children (and adults) have an innate need for affirmation. Some crying is simply to find out if someone will come and comfort them so that they have a sense of significance in their own little world. Why do most small children want to be held? Why do they constantly cry, “Look at me!” if not for some kind of affirmation? Why do they constantly bring their “art” work to parents for some kind of approval, seeking coveted space on the refrigerator door? I think it is because, they are uncertain of their worth and their significance. They want someone to tell them that they are okay because, deep inside, something hints that they may not be.

Why does it take ten positive statements to overcome one negative statement? I think it is because our default setting is a feeling of defectiveness that hurts deeply when something or someone suggests that we are, indeed, defective. Children who get healthy attention, nurture, and affirmation growing up seem to cope fairly well with the niggling question of whether or not they really matter. Those who are not nurtured, but are abandoned, abused, or neglected fight a terrible uphill battle with rejection most of their lives.

Satan maneuvered Adam and Eve into a scenario that had the flavor of rejection – expulsion from the immediate presence of God. They did not see removal from the Garden as discipline or even grace but feared that it meant total rejection and abandonment by their Father. I think Satan fueled that fear. How many of us have seen a child (or an adult child) goad someone into breaking the rules and then begin to crow, “Oh, you’re going to get it now!” I sense that echoes Satan’s follow up to, “you won’t surely die.” Rejection taps into that most ancient of fears and wounds us at the deepest levels.

Rejection comes in all forms…neglect, abuse, criticism, slander, accusation, abandonment, harsh and demeaning words, being ignored, unfaithfulness in a relationships, being passed over for promotion, etc. Rejection hurts because we tend to accept the evaluation of the one rejecting us. We receive their evaluation and conclude that we must indeed be unworthy of love or consideration. Our greatest fear – that we are defective and unworthy – seems to be validated by experiences of rejection, which simply deepen our sense of defectiveness.

Jesus understood our dilemma when he told us that when the world rejects us, it is not us that the world is rejecting, but him. At the core of the gospel is the message that God counts us as immensely significant, that he will never leave us nor forsake us, and that he loved us enough to die for us. Not only that, but he has taken away our shame and made us worthy in Jesus. We are new creations, sons and daughters of the King, with an inheritance of glory. But even with that revelation, we are fragile creatures in this arena of self-image and rejection – so much so that demonic spirits come to magnify the rejection.

In most cases of demonization, the first demon on the scene in a person’s life is a spirit of rejection, who constantly accuses and condemns us, so that our early experiences of rejection, which tapped into our ancient sense of defectiveness, never heal. It is as if the demon keeps tearing the scab off the wound so that it cannot mend. That spirit then projects a filter, so that even innocent statements sound like hateful criticism. Discipline feels like abuse. Correction feels like victimization and humiliation. Because of that filter, our over-the-top pain response to innocent or neutral statements by others, invites rejection because people do not want to be around people who overreact. That demonic filter even makes us immune to compliments and affirmation by suggesting that the affirmation is insincere or that it would not be said if that person really knew us. All of that magnifies our pain and fear of more rejection.

Because of this foundational hurt in the human soul that gives the devil such opportunity, Paul says, “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only that which is good for building up the other person according to knowledge” (Eph.4:29). The writer of Proverbs sums it up this way: “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Pr.12:18).

We need to be a constant source of blessing and affirmation to the world around us. When we do need to point out areas that must be improved, we need to begin with sincere affirmations before we get to the problem. Notice how Paul addressed churches to whom he was writing. He was nearly always writing about some problem that needed to be corrected but, inevitably, hr started by affirming his love and telling them the things he appreciated about them before discussing the problem. He then ended with more affirmation of his love. Jesus took the same approach in his letters to the seven churches of Asia in the Book of Revelation.

The world, for the most part, struggles with a sense of rejection and the enemy fuels the flames. Encouraging, affirming words are like oxygen to a drowning man for most people. The tongue has the power of life and death (Pr.18:21) and we are to be a source of life to all those around us – as much as possible. If we are the one who is tormented by rejection, we need to seek healing from the Lord and get in the business of rebuking spirits of rejection, condemnation, and accusation.

In Christ, we are anything but rejected and we need to make a habit of saying so. We need to make a habit of saying, about ourselves, what God says about us while we ask the Holy Spirit for a revelation of that truth in our hearts. If we are in Christ, we are not rejected, not defective, not unworthy, not incompetent, and never alone. We are loved, glorified, and destined for greatness. That is the truth that sets us free. As believers, we should affirm those truths in ourselves as well as in others and we should do so at every opportunity.  Be blessed today by who you are in Jesus.