If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I haveforgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.  2 Corinthians 2:9-11

In his letter to the church at Corinth, Paul is referencing an individual the church had dealt with through church discipline. Paul believed that the discipline (no fellowship with the unrepentant sinner) had done its work, so he invited the church to restore the individual and forgive any offenses that had occurred because of the events surrounding that person. He links the plea to forgive with the schemes of Satan.

Even though scripture is clear that we must forgive others or God will not forgive us, many believers still hold onto unforgiveness.  This issue is often magnified during holidays when family hurts come to the surface.  Holidays make us sentimental about families. We watch the Hallmark channel and wonder why our Christmas can’t look like that.  When we think of a family member that wounded us, it is easy to resent that person and have some bitterness toward them.  Not only did he or she wrong us, but they stole the possibility of having a Hallmark Christmas.  Once the embers of that unforgiveness begin to smolder again, Satan is sure to pour gasoline on the fire. If we come into agreement with Satan by renewing our anger,  bitterness, and blame, we give him an open door to our soul.  

Paul addresses this issue in his letter to Ephesus. Paul counsels them, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph. 4:26-27).  Paul’s counsel is to deal with the emotion of anger quickly.  To fail to do so will give the enemy permission to set up camp in your life.  In other words, if you detect unforgiveness in your heart, deal with it quickly.  I know I have pointed this out before, but the word translated “foothold” means territory, a place of legal standing, or even a sanctuary for worship.  If we refuse to forgive even those who have hurt us deeply, it opens a door for the enemy which begins as a foothold but may end as a stronghold. 

If you have struggled with forgiving a family member who hurt you in the past or who keeps hurting you in the present, guard your heart during the holidays.  Satan will scheme to rekindle your anger and bitterness and gain a legal right to torment or oppress you.  He may do this in several ways.

First of all, he may send a spirit to reinforce a feeling that you have been victimized.  This “person” has wounded you and taken away your Hallmark moment.  Victims always feel justified in their bitterness and unforgiveness.  Victims feel as if the “victimizer” needs to pay for their wrongs….to make reparations for the pain they inflicted.  It is easy to feel as if you are exempt from God’s command to forgive, because you are a “victim.”  God says that in Christ you are more than a conqueror, but you deny that truth if you paint yourself as a victim.  You may have been victimized, but that should not determine your identity now.

Secondly, Satan may prompt the hurtful person in your life to “stir the pot” once again by acting in ways that rekindle your hurt and your anger.  This may look like more manipulation surrounding the holidays or the same criticisms or rejection from a person who will be at a family gathering or something worse. You may need to prepare yourself for those moments, avoid the moment altogether, or limit your time around the hurtful person so that Satan does not get to you through them. Ask God to give you wisdom for the situation and to guard your heart against receiving the hurt or to insulate your heart from the effects of that individual.  

You may want to view that person as very broken rather than as an enemy who is always out to get you.  These people are pawns of Satan he is using to attack you. That is his scheme. Jesus instructs us (commands us) to love our enemies. The word he uses for “love” is agape which is not an emotion or even a positive feeling.  It is a decision of the will to always act in the best interest of the other person or to always act in the most redemptive way towards them.  In the same way, forgiveness is a decision to let Jesus judge them, rather than you, and to no longer act in ways that make them pay for what they did to you.  In Luke 6, Jesus goes further and instructs us to pray for our enemies, speak well of them, bless them and do good to them even while they are a continuing source of pain and betrayal.  

The process is much more for your benefit than for theirs.  It keeps bitterness at bay and keeps your heart from being poisoned by the enemy.  Before the holidays, be proactive.  Begin to pray for your enemy.  Ask thy Lord to help you see them as victims of Satan rather than your sworn enemy.  If it is not physically or emotionally safe to be around the person, you can love them from a distance.  Forgiveness is required but reconciliation is conditional.  Ask for wisdom and ask the Lord to replace in your life what the enemy has stolen through a hurtful person.

The key here is to recognize the schemes of the enemy and not to let unforgiveness give him a key to your front door. Be smarter than the devil.  When we submit to Jesus, he becomes our defender and our hedge of protection.  Guard your heart during this season of “perfect families” and Hallmark moments and forgive again at the first sign of malice, bitterness, or the feelings of being victimized. Ask the Lord to place you in a spiritual family if you cannot be with your own and let him love you through them during this holiday season. 

Understanding Unforgiveness

Quote:  Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison, believing that it will make the other person sick. (Source unknown)

We often refuse to forgive and continue to hold onto our anger, resentment, and bitterness because it fulfills a function for us.  Typically, we haven’t consciously articulated its function, but nearly all persistent behavior continues because we believe it is in our best interest. At least, at an emotional level, our unforgiveness seems very justified in our own eyes.

Reasons for Holding on to Unforgiveness

• We may believe that unforgiveness will protect us from the perpetrator or others who would harm us since we will not let that person (or others) come close to us again as long as we are angry or bitter. Our unforgiveness is seen as a wall of protection.

• Our anger and resentment may make us feel justified as we place all the blame for what has happened on the hurtful person.  By doing so, we don’t have to examine ourselves or take any responsibility for the situation that resulted in our being hurt.  We may use blame and the resulting unforgiveness to justify ourselves, minimize our issues, or deny our contributions to the hurtful situation.

• We may believe that our anger and unforgiveness punishes the other person for what they did to us as we lash out or withhold loving behaviors from that person.  We believe the “punishment” we have chosen is a deterrent to that person hurting us again. We believe our continuing punishment will “force the other person to change.”

• We may believe that as long as we have not forgiven the hurtful person, God will not forgive that person and so justice will be accomplished.  We fear that if we forgive him/her, God will forgive that individual and he/she will never have to face the consequences of their evil acts.

• We may believe that forgiveness would send a message that what was done was not such a big deal after all. We believe our unforgiveness will send a clear message that the action on the part of the hurtful person was significant and unacceptable so that he won’t act in that way again.  It is our way of putting an exclamation point on our wounds.

The Faulty Thinking and Deception of Unforgiveness

1. Forgiveness does not mean that we must allow hurtful or evil people to keep hurting us. We can release a debt while also setting boundaries so that a hurtful person does not have free access to our lives any more.  We can keep them at bay with wisdom and healthy boundaries rather than with walls of anger and bitterness due to unforgiveness. For instance, you can cancel a debt out of mercy, but you do not have to loan money again to the same irresponsible person.  You can forgive without becoming an enabler of wrong behaviors. We can protect ourselves through wisdom rather than anger and bitterness.

2. We often contribute to situations that become hurtful.  By placing all the blame on the other person, we cannot learn, grow, or change in areas that would benefit us and those we love in the future.

3. Often, our anger and unforgiveness do not actually hurt or punish the other person. They may not care that we continue to hurt. They may actually take pleasure in seeing us act out our continuing pain as it still gives them power and control over us. In addition, they often use our continuing anger, rage, or punishing behaviors to justify their own  actions… “See why I had to leave her…she’s crazy!”

4. Our forgiveness or unforgiveness does not determine God’s response towards that person.  If the hurtful person has truly repented, then God forgives whether or not we do.  If that person hasn’t repented, then God will respond to him on the condition of his heart, even if we have forgiven.  Forgiving a hurtful person, does not get him or her off the hook with God.  It gets us off the hook.

5.   If we want people to know how deeply we have been hurt by what they have done, we should clearly tell them, rather than trying to communicate that through punishing behaviors.   
(Matt. 18: 15-17)

Reflection / Discussion

• Which of these reasons for unforgiveness have you ever used to justify continuing anger or resentment toward people in your life?
• What do you believe your continuing anger, bitterness, resentment and distrust cost you or is continuing to cost you in your emotional health, spiritual health, and relationships?
• Why do you think God wants you to forgive those who have wounded you?  What blessings can come to those who forgive?

Next Week:  God’s Purposes and Blessings in Your Life for Forgiveness