We have an exceptional residential program in our city for single-parent mothers and their children. Every year I have the privilege of teaching the mothers a workshop on Boundaries in relationships. A number of years ago, Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the book entitled Boundaries that has become a classic used by counselors in numerous settings.
Whenever a book begins to have such influence, it is always a good practice to ask whether its contents are consistent with biblical principles. I have seen books sweep through the American self-help sections of bookstores that are not consistent with biblical principles and, therefore, will eventually lead to bad outcomes.
Paul spoke to this reality in Galatians when he said, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Gal.6:7-8). In essence, Paul is saying that whenever we consistently follow the impulses of the flesh or the promptings of the world, we will eventually end up in hurtful or destructive circumstances. Whenever we consistently do things God’s way, we will experience life-giving outcomes.
The concept of boundaries is that we should establish “fences” in our lives that let in the good and keep out the bad. These “fences” are basically proactive decisions about what I will let into my life and what I will refuse to let into my life. They are decisions about what I will take responsibility for and what I will insist that others take responsibility for. They are decisions about where I will draw the line in my actions and in the actions of others. It is all about what I say “yes” to and what I say “no” to.
I believe that the idea of intentionally setting boundaries is a very biblical idea and is an essential concept in spiritual warfare. Joshua told the Israelites, “Choose who you will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” That is a proactive decision to establish boundaries around your family. Paul wrote in his second letter to the church at Corinth, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” “Therefore, come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:14-18).
In this text, God is calling us to decide who we are and to live accordingly. Because we are children of God and followers of Jesus, there should simply be things we do and things we don’t do, people we enter into agreement with and people we don’t. Each of those decisions is a boundary. So let’s quickly examine of few of the areas in which God actually commands us to establish boundaries. The spiritual warfare aspect of this is that godly boundaries keep the enemy out of our lives, while the lack of boundaries invite him in.
First of all. God tells us to avoid covenants, agreements, and influential relationships with unbelievers. This is a principle that is clearly stated in both the Old and New Testaments. It is worth noting, that the verb modes are command modes, not suggestions for Christian living.
God maintains a clear boundary or line between believers and unbelievers. He is very clear about who is in the family of God and who is not and about those who have the Holy Spirit living in them and those who don’t. We typically don’t see it as clearly as God does and tend to think there are good people out there who are not yet Christians that we might marry, form some kind of alliance with, etc.
God says that those in the kingdom belong to Jesus and those who aren’t in the kingdom belong to Satan. He sees one as belonging to the light and the other as belonging to darkness. One is influenced by the Spirit and the other by the demons – knowingly or unknowingly. His point is that entering onto covenants or agreements with those who belong to Satan gives him access to your life. When you marry, you also marry your spouse’s family and the in-laws can have a dramatic effect on you for good or bad. If you enter into a covenant with an unbeliever, Satan becomes an “in-law” because you have entered into an agreement with his representatives.
We need to keep the door closed on the enemy and give him no openings into our life. Paul warns us in Ephesians 4 not allow the sun to go down on our anger and not to give Satan a foothold, which in Greek means a territory or a place of standing. His point is that if we nurture anger and unforgiveness, that sin gives the devil a place to accuse us and to gain access to our hearts or mind. That foothold can then become a stronghold.
Paul then goes on to say that, in addition to avoiding binding relationships or partnerships with unbelievers, we must consider ourselves different and set apart from unbelievers. This is not a call to arrogance or self-righteousness, but is a matter of knowing he we are in Christ and knowing that we are set apart from all others on this planet. We are holy by the blood of Christ and are the temple of God so we conduct ourselves in accordance with the Spirit, not the flesh or the world.
He also says that we are to touch no unclean thing. That means that we do not involve ourselves in idolatry…not just false religion but even the worship of money, power, fame, pleasure, etc. We don’t touch or embrace what is unclean such as pornography, witchcraft, sexual perversion, dishonest gain, lying, stealing, etc. The world and the flesh will rationalize and excuse those things, but we are to establish clear boundaries in our hearts and minds to say “no” to those things and “yes” to the things of God. That kind of alignment with the Father keeps the enemy at bay.
Those who are afflicted and oppressed by demons have opened the door to their presence through sin and some agreement with the world or have had someone in their bloodline do the same. Boundaries are thoughtful and intentional decisions to let the good in and keep the bad out. They are for our health and safety. They are lines of demarcation that say we will not go there and are no trespassing signs for the enemy. God is a god of boundaries and, as his people, we should be clear about those boundaries ourselves. It might be good to even right down our personal boundaries that keep us close to God…what we will do and what we won’t do, who we will make covenants with and who we won’t, so that, when temptation comes, we have already decided what our course will be. By living that way, God will clearly be a father to us and we will clearly be his sons and daughters.