An acceptable part of our culture in 2022 is for a couple to live together without being married and even to have children together outside the covenant of marriage. Celebrities have paved the way for the normalization of that arrangement, and many young Christian couples have followed in their footsteps.  

It is not uncommon for couples to come to premarital classes at our church or come to Free Indeed, our spiritual warfare component, while living together unmarried…maybe even with children. Many seem to be unaware of the biblical injunctions against that arrangement.  Culture does not change the Word of God and it clearly declares that any kind of sex outside the covenant of marriage is sin.  The biblical term for sex outside of marriage is “fornication” or “adultery” if either party is still married to another. Some want to argue that cohabiting is not sin because both parties are being monogamous and are verbally committed to one another.  This skirts the definition of marriage in scripture but, since either party can take off when they feel like it without legal actions and because they do not present themselves as married, it is not marriage.

Much of the blame falls on my generation of postwar “baby boomers” who took on the mantle of “free love” and living together either as a statement against social norms or as a trial-run before marriage. So many of our children have experienced divorce in their homes that they simply fear making a mistake in marriage and then going through what they saw their parents go through. They also fear putting children through the divorce experience if their own marriages fail.  The response seems to have been almost a cultural decision to test the waters for marriage by living together for months or years to see if life under the same roof was manageable.  In the natural realm, the approach seems to make sense.  Don’t by a car until you have taken a lengthy test drive.

However, in the spiritual realm, it is outside of God’s will (sin) and, therefore, invites the devil into the relationship.  Anytime believers participate in a sin for an extended period without repentance, it opens them up to the enemy.  Since they have come into agreement with Satan in that part of their lives, he has a legal right in the courts of heaven to afflict them and the persistent sin of that relationship withholds God’s blessing from what they are doing.  David declared, “Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened” (Psm.66:16-19).

Even in the natural realm, statistics show that those who live together and then marry, have a higher divorce rate than those who simply marry.  So, in actuality, the “test drive” gives no real assurance that the relationship will work in a marriage.  I think there are a couple of reasons for that.

First of all, “living together” is a relationship in which partners promise to stay together only as long as it works.  When it stops being fun or fulfilling, one partner has permission and the expectation to pack up and move out.  The relationship is based on the premise that the couple actually anticipates failure, so they will not enter into a lifetime commitment.  That approach to a relationship is a contract, rather than a covenant.  Contracts say “I am in this relationship as long as you meet my expectations.” Biblical marriage is a covenant and covenants are a commitment to make the relationship work…even when one party has a bad day, month, or year.  You know…for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

I think living together reinforces the notion that I’m only in this as long as it feels good and is a good deal for me.  Even if the couple eventually marries, I think they often take the same mindset into the marriage because that has already defined the relationship and is the mindset of our culture…so divorce rates are high.

God, however is a covenant God who is faithful even when we are not and who brings all of his resources to bear to restore and maintain the relationships, even when our hearts have taken a vacation.  Without that same mindset, without the Holy Spirit combatting our brokenness and selfishness, and without the blessings of God, few marriages will make it in this world.  Because cohabiting in a sexual relationship is outside of God’s will, those resources will not be available to the couple or will be greatly hindered.

Successful marriages today, require a strong commitment to work through the issues, the failures, and the rough spots.  We all bring a measure of brokenness and selfishness into marriages that will either be healed or will be a constant source of wounding and conflict. 

My experience is that the Word of God activated in our lives, the healing and transforming power of the Holy Spirit, and the support of God’s spiritual family are the best resources for any marriage to make it and to develop into a relationship full of blessings rather than disappointment.  

Couples who are living together outside the covenant of marriage are living without those powerful resources as well as opening the front door of their lives to the enemy who wants only to kill, steal and destroy.  When couples show up who are cohabiting, we do not run them off because God loves them.  But we certainly encourage them to marry, stay sexually pure until they do marry, and to draw close to the Lord where they will  learn to truly love.

Marriage is designed to shape us into the image of Jesus Christ by illuminating our rough spots, our selfishness, and our brokenness so that these areas of our lives can be submitted to Jesus, when we protect ourselves from potential pain by low level commitments, we will not be changed.  We will simply take our baggage with us into the next relationship and the next.

We have an exceptional residential program in our city for single-parent mothers and their children.  Every year I have the privilege of teaching the mothers a workshop on Boundaries in relationships.  A number of years ago, Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the book entitled Boundaries that has become a classic used by counselors in numerous settings. 

Whenever a book begins to have such influence, it is always a good practice to ask whether its contents are consistent with biblical principles.  I have seen books sweep through the American self-help sections of bookstores that are not consistent with biblical principles and, therefore, will eventually lead to bad outcomes.  

Paul spoke to this reality in Galatians when he said, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Gal.6:7-8). In essence, Paul is saying that whenever we consistently follow the impulses of the flesh or the promptings of the world, we will eventually end up in hurtful or destructive circumstances.  Whenever we consistently do things God’s way, we will experience life-giving outcomes.

The concept of boundaries is that we should establish “fences” in our lives that let in the good and keep out the bad.  These “fences” are basically proactive decisions about what I will let into my life and what I will refuse to let into my life.  They are decisions about what I will take responsibility for and what I will insist that others take responsibility for.  They are decisions about where I will draw the line in my actions and in the actions of others.  It is all about what I say “yes” to and what I say “no” to.  

I believe that the idea of intentionally setting boundaries is a very biblical idea and is an essential concept in spiritual warfare.  Joshua told the Israelites, “Choose who you will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” That is a proactive decision to establish boundaries around your family.  Paul wrote in his second letter to the church at Corinth, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” “Therefore, come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:14-18).

In this text, God is calling us to decide who we are and to live accordingly.  Because we are children of God and followers of Jesus, there should simply be things we do and things we don’t do, people we enter into agreement with and people we don’t.  Each of those decisions is a boundary. So let’s quickly examine of few of the areas in which God actually commands us to establish boundaries. The spiritual warfare aspect of this is that godly boundaries keep the enemy out of our lives, while the lack of boundaries invite him in.

First of all. God tells us to avoid covenants, agreements, and influential relationships with unbelievers.  This is a principle that is clearly stated in both the Old and New Testaments.  It is worth noting, that the verb modes are command modes, not suggestions for Christian living.

God maintains a clear boundary or line between believers and unbelievers.  He is very clear about who is in the family of God and who is not and about those who have the Holy Spirit living in  them and those who don’t.  We typically don’t see it as clearly as God does and tend to think there are good people out there who are not yet Christians that we might marry, form some kind of alliance with, etc.

God says that those in the kingdom belong to Jesus and those who aren’t in the kingdom belong to Satan.  He sees one as belonging to the light and the other as belonging to darkness.  One is influenced by the Spirit and the other by the demons – knowingly or unknowingly.  His point is that entering onto covenants or agreements with those who belong to Satan gives him access to your life.  When you marry, you also marry your spouse’s family and the in-laws can have a dramatic effect on you for good or bad.  If you enter into a covenant with an unbeliever, Satan becomes an “in-law”  because you have entered into an agreement with his representatives.

We need to keep the door closed on the enemy and give him no openings into our life. Paul warns us in Ephesians 4 not allow the sun to go down on our anger and not to give Satan a foothold, which in Greek means a territory or a place of standing.  His point is that if we nurture anger and unforgiveness, that sin gives the devil a place to accuse us and to gain access to our hearts or mind.  That foothold can then become a stronghold.

Paul then goes on to say that, in addition to avoiding binding relationships or partnerships with unbelievers, we must consider ourselves different and set apart from unbelievers.  This is not a call to arrogance or self-righteousness, but is a matter of knowing he we are in Christ and knowing that we are set apart from all others on this planet.  We are holy by the blood of Christ and are the temple of God so we conduct ourselves in accordance with the Spirit, not the flesh or the world.

He also says that we are to touch no unclean thing.  That means that we do not involve ourselves in idolatry…not just false religion but even the worship of money, power, fame, pleasure, etc. We don’t touch or embrace what is unclean such as pornography, witchcraft, sexual perversion, dishonest gain, lying, stealing, etc. The world and the flesh will rationalize and excuse those things, but we are to establish clear boundaries in our hearts and minds to say “no” to those things and “yes” to the things of God. That kind of alignment with the Father keeps the enemy at bay.

Those who are afflicted and oppressed by demons have opened the door to their presence through sin and some agreement with the world or have had someone in their bloodline do the same. Boundaries are thoughtful and intentional decisions to let the good in and keep the bad out.  They are for our health and safety. They are lines of demarcation that say we will not go there and are no trespassing signs for the enemy.  God is a god of boundaries and, as his people, we should be clear about those boundaries ourselves.   It might be good to even right down our personal boundaries that keep us close to God…what we will do and what we won’t do, who we will make covenants with and who we won’t, so that, when temptation comes, we have already decided what our course will be.  By living that way, God will clearly be a father to us and we will clearly be his sons and daughters.  

Last week we discussed the reality that children can be demonized as well as adults.  They can be afflicted through generational curses and spirits that attach themselves to bloodlines.  They can be afflicted when those who have authority over them speak curses over their children…intentionally or unintentionally.  They can also be demonized through trauma.  

One question that usually arises when parents discover the realities of spiritual warfare and generational curses is whether or not the enemy’s right to afflict their children is extinguished when the parents break the curses and are themselves delivered from any demonic affliction.  

The answer is that the enemy’s right to afflict the children has been taken away, but demons rarely leave simply because a legal transaction has occurred.  

Typically, like bad renters, unclean spirits need not only to have papers served but often, with bad renters, the sheriff and a few deputies have to show up and escort them off the property.  The first step is to break the generational curse through the blood of Christ.  That action revokes a spirit’s legal right to afflict the child, but then the demons afflicting the child must be commanded to leave in the name of Jesus.  That is best done by parents who have spiritual authority over their children or by those representing the parents – perhaps, someone with more experience in deliverance than the parents.  

So, if deliverance needs to be administered to a child, what does that look like?  We certainly don’t want to traumatize the child by telling them that terrible things from the devil are living in them and then begin to scream and shout to cast them out.  First of all, if you have authority you don’t need to scream and shout.  We need to be stern, but we can do so in a calm, quiet manner.  For small children, believing parents or some experienced person trusted by the parents can firmly but quietly command spirits to leave while the child sleeps. 

I would actually recommend deliverance when children are very small…and, especially, children who have been adopted or biological children when there has been notable sin, witchcraft, violence, etc.  in their bloodline. If the adoptive parents know any background on the biological parents and know there has been violence, abuse, drug addictions, excessive anger, etc., then spirits that may be present because of those things should be named and commanded to leave.  The same should be done over biological children where bloodlines need to be submitted to the Lord and spirits banished. In our experience, nearly every adopted child may carry spirits of rejection or orphan spirits.  These should also be dealt with. Sometimes we can’t be sure of the presence of such spirits, but it doesn’t hurt to “cover that base.”  If nothing is there, then no harm has been done.  If something was there, you have gained a real advantage over the enemy.  

If you need to minister to deliverance when the child is awake or a little older, do so quietly and calmly with the mindset that such things are normal and ordinary. You can convey that you believe that spirits are harassing the child and you simply want to send them away.

In general, as children mature we need to teach them some of the realities of the spiritual realm and, of course, this should be done appropriately based on their maturity.  I believe the primary thing we need to teach them is who Jesus is and who they are to Jesus.  We quickly make children aware of the dangers in this world (don’t play in the street, don’t play with electrical outlets, etc.) and that there are dangerous people in this world (i.e. don’t talk to strangers, etc.) We need to teach them that there are also spiritual beings who would try to lead them away from Jesus and into disobedience.  When tempted, they need to know how to say “No”  and even how to call on Jesus or command those unwelcome spirits to leave in His name.  They need to be aware that Jesus is watching over them and that angels are watching over them because we have asked the Lord to assign those angels.  

In the same way that we teach children to be cautious (not afraid) as they play in the yard or go to school, we can teach them to be cautious (not afraid) of spirits that would tempt them or lead them away from God. The focus should not be on Satan, but on Jesus and his great love for them. Teaching them the power of prayer and the declared word of God are great ways to help them develop in the area of spiritual warfare without being weird or scary.  In summary, we teach our kids enough to be wise about demons but our real focus is on Jesus, his love, his power, and his authority for them.

In my next blog, we will talk about children seeing scary things in their rooms, around the house and other places.  Are those things simply the imaginary “monster under the bed” or is it possible they are seeing into the spiritual realm?  How we navigate those moments is important.

Well…Thanksgiving will be upon us in just a few days. It is one of my favorite family holidays and is traditionally intended to be a day of thankfulness for the blessings that we enjoy.  Hopefully, that is not the only day we express thanks for the good things in our lives.  What I want to suggest in this blog is that Thanksgiving should not be merely a day, but a lifestyle. In fact, I think it is a very powerful form of spiritual warfare.

The apostle Paul told us that we should not be unaware of Satan’s schemes.  He should never be our main focus, but we do need to be wise in his ways.  Satan doesn’t seem to have many strategies, but only a few which are expressed in many ways.  The first encounter with him is recorded in Genesis where the “serpent” tempted Adam and Eve.  This strategy is a primary strategy that he uses over and over. Basically, he did what every successful salesperson does…he created a sense of discontentment  with their circumstance so that they began to feel a desire for something different or something more in their lives. 

Satan planted a seed of distrust in Adam and Eve when he said, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the Garden?’”  With that question, which was more of a statement, he implied that God had a stingy side that might be withholding good things from them.  He was hinting that he knew Yaweh was the kind of god that would surround people with abundance, but then refuse to share it with them. He knew there was only one tree from which they were not to eat, but his question suggested that there was something spectacular and good to be gained from that tree, that God did not want them to have.  

Suddenly, instead of being thankful for all that they did have – every tree in the Garden, including the Tree of Life – they suddenly felt a lack in their life and began to resent God for withholding the “one thing they really needed for happiness.” As soon as they accepted the premiss that God withholds good things from his people, they came into agreement with the enemy which gave him open access to their lives.  Within a few years, they were not only living outside the Garden,  scratching a living out of a hostile earth, but one son murdered the other.  

Satan loves to get us to define God by something he hasn’t done for us that we think is the key to our happiness, rather than defining him by all the things he has done for us. If God has answered ten thousand prayers for us, we are prone to only think about one prayer that has not yet been answered or was not answered in the way we wanted. We then begin to believe that God doesn’t hear our prayers or that he doesn’t care about us.  That view of God makes us very susceptible to the schemes of Satan.

A lifestyle of thanksgiving is a very effective way to push back against the lies of the enemy.  We need a lifestyle of thanking God for every blessing we encounter…large or small.  If it blesses us, thank God for it.  Thank him for Jesus, your salvation, his grace, his patience, his Spirit, but also a beautiful morning, a parking spot, hot water, an old car that still gets you where you need to go, an amusing squirrel, friends, purpose, a job, health, four inflated tires in the morning, etc.  These are things we don’t always pray for, but they are gifts from God none the less and we should thank him for each of those as we go through our day.  

When we recognize and verbalize the abundance of small blessings from God that make up our lives, it creates a belief in us that God is, indeed, good and faithful.  

When we have that view of God, it is much more difficult for the enemy to suggest to us that God may not have our best interests at heart after all, and is keeping from us the very thing that would give us happiness.  Remember, Satan is the ultimate salesman and he has been selling lies for thousands of years.  He is always highlighting what we don’t have and convincing us that there is something or someone out there that would make our life complete and worth living, if God were not standing in our way.  

Paul believed that God would always give us what we needed for life, love, joy and peace. He stated in his letter to the church at Philippi, “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Phil.4:11-13).

Paul believed that God is a good father who always gives us what we need in every season and, in his wisdom, sometimes says “no” to what we want.  A lifestyle of thanksgiving helps us walk in the same contentment because it keeps is focused on what we have, rather than what we don’t have.

So,  this Thanksgiving, give thanks for all the big things, but all the small things as well….then keep it up for the next twelve months.  You will find that a heart of thanksgiving slams the door on Satan in many, many ways. 

One of the most illuminating passages in scripture regarding spirituawarfare is found in the Book of Daniel.  In chapter 10, Daniel had a disturbing dream that he did not understand but could not shake.  He was confident that it was a prophetic dream from the Lord but had the wisdom not to venture the interpretation on his own.  Instead, he asked the Lord for the meaning of the dream and began to fast while he waited for his answer.  After twenty-one days of continued prayer and fasting, David was visited by an angel.

The angel spoke to him saying, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince ofthe Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come” (Dan. 10:12-14).

In summary, the first day that Daniel prayed, God dispatched a powerful angel with the interpretation of the dream. However, a demonic prince assigned to the nation of Persia intercepted the angel and opposed him in the heavenly realm for twenty-one days.  The angel sent by God could not have completed his mission unless Michael the archangel had come to take up the battle.  What we see in this passage is that there is often demonic resistance to the answers to our prayers.  Part of me doesn’t like the notion that demons may work so that my prayers are hindered or side-tracked altogether, but it is a biblical theme.

I sense that most of us want to believe that once we lift up a prayer, there is nothing left to do.  Our sense is that Elohim (God Almighty) will command and everything will immediately fall into place.  But scripture suggests otherwise…at least in some circumstances. Sometimes, there is still a battle to be fought. As Israel was taking the promised land from enemy tribes, there were times that they simply watched and saw God route the enemy.  Sometimes in a moment of confusion and fear, enemy soldiers would turn on one another and kill each other.  At other times, God would convince an enemy army that another army was bearing down on them and they would flee. Later on in Israel’s history, God sent an angel among an army at night to slay thousands so that in the morning, those that remained alive would simply flee.  But most of the time, Israel had to wade into battle and trust that as they fought God would give them the victory.  Sometimes the battle lasted all day and into the night until Israel’s troops were exhausted.

In the same way that God limits his own sovereignty on the earth and chooses not to control every aspect of life here (free will),  he apparently has done the same in the spiritual realm.  There he also allows free will for the angels.  Satan and a third of the heavenly hosts exercised that free will as they rebelled against the King of Heaven and were banished to earth. Apparently, he also allows the enemy to resist his will and our prayers on earth. Typically, our part the battle is to persevere in prayer and faith as Daniel did until the answer manifests.

If I’m honest, I like instant.  I want to pray for healing and see cancer disappear overnight.  I want to pray for a marriage and see a supernatural change of heart before I meet with the couple the next week.  I want to pray for a job for a friend and hear that the phone rang the next day with an amazing offer.  And sometimes, I see an instant answer to prayer.  Bur at other times, I see nothing for days,  weeks,  months and maybe years.  

Here is the question. When I don’t see immediate answers do I assume that God is not going to say “yes” to that prayer or do I continue to pray, believing that I am partnering with heaven in overcoming demonic opposition? I believe that if Daniel had ceased to pray and fast after a few days, Michael would not have been sent to the battle and the other angel would not have delivered the interpretation of the dream.  

Sometimes there is war In heaven that has been activated by our prayers.  Sometimes, the war is in our hearts as Satan whispers unbelief and discouragement so that our prayers will cease before the victory is won.  Sometimes the battle is in the courts of heaven where “the accuser of the brethren” finds charges that he can bring against us in opposition to our prayers.  Those charges might be found in us when we have not forgiven those who have wronged is or have not repented of some persistent sin in our lives.  Sometimes, sin or a curse may exist in the life of the one we are praying for so that Satan has the right to oppose our prayers for the other.  

As we pray, we need to ask the Holy Spirit to show us what is giving Satan the right to oppose our prayers and then deal with those issues through the cross.  When we minister deliverance to people, we often encounter a spirit that is highly resistant to our commands. Typically, he is resistant because something in the life of the demonized person is still giving him a legal right to afflict him/her.   When the person or the Holy Spirit reveals the issue and it is dealt with through the cross the demon is then easily driven out.  

There are times when our prayers are quickly answered, but there are many times when we will have to contend for the answers.  We are not contending with God but with the enemy who wants to thwart God’s will on earth and wreck our destinies. I think we often give up too soon when prayers aren’t quickly answered.  In Matthew 7, Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”  In the original language, the verbs tell us to keep on asking, keep on seeking, and keep on knocking in order to receive those things.  In Luke 18, we are told that Jesus imparted a parable so that his disciples would always pray and never give up.   Endurance is a key to spiritual warfare and victory.

If you have quit praying for something that you are confident is God’s will, pick it up again and begin to pray, declare, and command.  If you are just beginning to pray for something, know that you may see the instant answer, but you may also be required to wage war in your prayers for weeks to come.  

We have been talking about the necessity and the act of forgiveness in which we decide and declare that we freely release someone from their debt to us.  Forgiveness is also a process.  Our decision to forgive is an act of obedience to God. That first step of forgiveness is a decision of the will not of our emotions.  That step takes away the enemy’s legal right to afflict us.  

When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, he is not telling us to like them, approve of them, or have warm fuzzy feelings toward them.  He commands us to agape our enemies which means to “act in their best interest” or “to act in a redemptive way” toward them.  He is calling us to make decisions to act in the eternal best interest of our enemies, regardless of how we feel. That is a decision of the will because we have the capacity to choose our decisions, but not always our emotions.  

However, God does not leave it there. The second part of forgiveness is a process of bringing our emotions in line with our decision to release the judgment of the matter to God.  The key is found in Luke 6.  There Jesus says:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. 

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love yourenemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your father is merciful. 

In this section of Luke’s gospel, Jesus reveals the real key to letting go of the past.  It is not enough to refrain from making others pay for what they did to us, we must also choose to do good, even while they are still doing harmful things to us.

Our emotions will only follow our decisions after some time has passed.  Typically, we will decide to no longer require payment for wrongs done to us, long before our emotions agree with that decision.  Our emotions will follow only after God’s Spirit has moved in our hearts, and after we have consistently chosen to act positively toward those who have hurt us.   We may have to recommit to the process on numerous occasions.  Our motivation is to duplicate in our own lives the mercy that has been extended to us by God.

As we choose to bless those who curse us, do good to those who did us harm, and pray for those who mistreat us, our hearts change.  All I can say is that when we are obedient in this matter, God does a work in our hearts.  As we are obedient, we begin to see the people who hurt us in a different light.  We remember that our struggle is not truly against flesh and blood (people) but against spiritual powers (the devil).  We begin to see their brokenness and the way the devil oppresses and uses them rather than seeing them as the true enemy.  

Praying for our enemies softens our hearts so that bitterness doesn’t take root. Doing good to them is participating in the triumph of good over evil and we draw closer to Jesus because we are being more like him.  Again, our prayers, blessings, and doing good may or may not bring about blessings for them, but they will definitely bring about good for us.

Anger, bitterness, and resentment limit our ability to give love and receive it from others.  Those negative emotions hinder our ability to trust and to draw near to others – even those we want to love.  They hinder our capacity for intimacy and often spill out on those we are closest to, which pushes them away and ultimately robs us of the love we desperately want..  Forgiveness truly frees us from the pain we carry from our past and the bondage we have to bitterness or the crippling fear of being hurt again.  

If that is so, why do so many believers hold onto unforgiveness even though we are commanded to forgive and even though we may understand the benefits at a rational level?  I believe that we hold onto unforgiveness because we believe it will protect us from being hurt again.  We hold on out of fear.  Next week we will look at the reasons we hold on and expose the deception in those strategies to keep us from further pain.

The Biblical Concept of Forgiveness

In Part 1 of this series, I mentioned that many followers of Jesus walk in unforgiveness towards those who wronged them in some way in their past.  They either are unaware of the command to forgive, misunderstand the nature of biblical forgiveness, or feel that their situation is the exception.  This is such a critical matter that I wanted to spend a few weeks clarifying this essential part of the believer’s life. 

As we consider what Jesus and the writers of the New Testament have to say about forgiveness, we learn that it is both an event and a process.  Many of the stories Jesus told to demonstrate the principle of forgiveness take the form of financial debts being owed and those debts being cancelled.  As an event, forgiveness is simply a decision of the will to forgive a debt.  It is a decision to no longer require payment for an actual wrong done to us as well as a decision to release the judgment of those who have wronged us to God.

In Matthew 18, Jesus paints a picture of the very nature of forgiveness as seen from the perspective of heaven. 

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents‍ ‍was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him. “Be patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back everything.” The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. ‍ He grabbed him and began to choke him. “Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, “Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.”   But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.  (Matt. 18:21-35)

The core idea of forgiveness is to release a debt.  It is not an act that minimizes the debt, denies the debt, or excuses the one who owes the debt.  It recognizes that a debt beyond measure has been cancelled on our behalf, and so we must be willing to do the same for others…even when they have not repented or asked for our forgiveness.   

Forgiveness is not primarily a decision of the emotions.  Initially, we will likely still carry some measure of anger, feelings of betrayal and victimization. In spite of our feelings, forgiveness is a decision of the will to no longer act in ways that make the person who hurt you pay for what he or she did. We cannot command our emotions, but we can choose to act in certain ways or refrain from acting in certain ways by a decision of the will.  We can choose how we think about another person or what we say about another person, even if our emotions are not always aligned with those actions and thoughts.

Until we forgive, we often attempt to make these individuals “pay” through our hurtful behaviors, which may include …

1.   Angry outbursts directed at the hurtful person.

2.   Withdrawal of loving behaviors or interaction from the one we believe wronged us.

3.   Gossip or slander that attempts to damage the reputation and relationships of the “hurtful” person with family members, co-workers, church members, etc.

4.   Hurtful actions motivated by a desire for revenge in an attempt to “even the score.”

5.  Constantly bringing up a past wrong in an accusing way months and years after it happened.

6.  Praying against the person or speaking curses over him/her.

7.   Etc.

Again, the first step, which is an event, is to make a decision to release the debt owed to you.  That decision means you will no longer act in ways designed to make the other person pay for what he or she has done.  You do this as a decision and as a declaration that the debt is cancelled in the name of Jesus.  Doing so acknowledges your motivation for forgiving the debt and affirms what Jesus has done for you.  Along with this, you commit to no longer act in hurtful ways towards those who have hurt you.  

Paul spoke about this in his letter to the Romans.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.   Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.   On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12: 17-21

Notice that this section of scripture instructs us to act in loving or caring ways even towards “our enemies,” while assuring us that God will still deal with evil.  We simply turn judgment over to Him rather than acting as judges ourselves.  As we release judgment to God, we also release ourselves from the bitterness and anger we must keep alive as we try to punish those who wounded us.  

We may or may not overcome evil in the other person by our goodness or kindness, but we overcome the effects of evil in our own hearts by our forgiveness. As we forgive, we release the poison of our hurt and anger so that bitterness, self-pity, and vengeance do not take root in our own hearts.  That anger and bitterness will eventually spill over into our other relationships – even those that are important to us.

Many years ago, I counseled a woman who had been severely abused and terrorized by her ex-husband.  She had married again. She acknowledged that her second husband was a wonderful man, but she would fly into rages and cut him deeply with her words for seemingly no reason at all. The marriage was on the brink of collapse when she came to see me.  It didn’t take long to recognize that her problem was that she had not forgiven her first husband and was releasing her anger and bitterness toward him on her second husband on a daily basis. She quickly recognized what was happening, but couldn’t seem to help herself because she would not forgive her abusive husband.  Not only did she not want to forgive him, but declared in no uncertain terms, “I hope he burns in hell for what he did to me!”   There is a better ending that I swill tell you about later.  

There is always a blessing found in our obedience to God, even if it seems counterintuitive. Here is the blessing found in forgiving those who have wounded us.  Forgiveness releases us from our need to make the offending person pay their debt and allows us to lay aside the pain that we continue to keep alive as we constantly remember the hurt.  Until we forgive, we are tied to our past and tied to those who wounded us.  

In many ways, we continue to allow them to control us as our anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge tie us to them…even after their death.  We become prisoners of our own unforgiveness.  God wants to release us from that control by taking healing the hurt and presiding over the judgment of that wrong, so it no longer is a significant thread in our lives.  In many cases, forgiveness is for our benefit much more than for theirs.  Of course, it may open the door for reconciliation of a relationship, but even if it doesn’t, we can step into our future untethered to the past because we allow God to preside over the matter rather than us.  The first stage of forgiveness then is an event in which we choose to release the debt…not because our betrayers deserve it, but because the one who died for us, deserves it. 

Discussion / Reflection:  

Who are you still tied to in your past because you have not released the judgment and the matter to God?

How has your continuing bitterness and anger affected your happiness and important relationships through the years?

How would your life be better, if you never again had to think about the event or the person who wounded you?

How do you think your unforgiveness toward someone or even some organization has opened the door in your life for Satan to afflict and torment you?

How will you shut that door?

Next Week: The Process of Forgiveness

As Christians, I think that we often believe that other followers of Jesus understand the necessity to forgive those who have betrayed them and so they have actually done so.  However, every time we do a Freedom Weekend, I discover that many, many Christians have not forgiven those who have wronged them…even though God says he will not forgive our sins unless we forgive those who have wronged us.  Unforgiveness not only lets the devil in, but restricts the blessings and answered prayers that God desires to give us.

Any unforgiveness we carry, is always an open door for the enemy to disrupt our lives.  Because of that, I feel compelled to do a short series on forgiveness and the freedom we can find personally by obeying the Lord is this essential matter.  I want you to treat this as a kind of personal study and inventory of your own life regarding forgiveness.  You might even do a mini-study with a small group and explore some of the Discussion/Reflection questions about forgiveness with others. 

I have also discovered through the years that many believers are confused about biblical forgiveness. Sometimes we think we have forgiven someone when we haven’t and, at other times, we think we haven’t forgiven someone when, perhaps, we have.  Knowing the biblical definition of forgiveness and understanding why we sometimes choose not to forgive can be helpful in being obedient in this matter.  Practical steps in knowing how to move from bitterness to forgiveness can also be very helpful.  We will discuss all of this in the next few weeks on this blog. 

Freedom Through Forgiveness

The New Testament has a great deal to say about forgiveness.  The two following texts are a sample and should be very sobering to any of us who have been careless with forgiveness.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  Matthew 6:14-15

Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger, his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart. Matthew 18:32-35

Discussion / Reflection:  Spend some time responding personally to these questions or discussing them with a friend(s). 

• How would you define forgiveness?   
• Do you think it is fair for God to insist that you forgive people who have hurt you or keep hurting you? Why or why not?
• For you personally, why is it sometimes hard to forgive?
• Is there ever a time to withhold forgiveness?
• Does forgiving a person require that you let that person back in to your life?

God’s Way to Freedom

Christ doesn’t command us to do something that he himself has not done.  He commanded forgiveness as he taught the crowds in Palestine, but then gave us the ultimate example when he was hanging on a cross – having been unjustly accused, brutalized, and sentenced to death.

When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals-one on his right, the other on his left.  Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  Luke 23:33-34

Notice that Jesus did not forgive Israel because the leaders had come to him asking for his forgiveness.  The leaders of the Jews felt totally justified in what they had done.  Yet Jesus forgave them and prayed for the Father to do the same.  That is the heart of God and so he calls on us to forgive others…not because they deserve it, but because He has done that for us.  The following scriptures reflect the biblical theme of forgiving those who have hurt us.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Matthew 6:12 

 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.   Matthew 18:21-22 

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.   Mark 11:25 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.   Colossians  3:13-14 

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.   Luke 6:37 

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2

Discussion / Reflection:  What is your emotional response to those commands?

For many of us who have been wounded and betrayed by others, we feel ourselves pushing back against God in this matter.  Something feels wrong about releasing people from the wrongs they have done.  When we think about forgiving, we feel vulnerable. We feel as if God is minimizing our pain or invalidating our suffering.  We feel as if justice has been ignored.  We are afraid that forgiveness will open the door to them hurting us again. But, a look at the biblical concept of forgiveness will help us see the wisdom and blessing that come to us through releasing the debt that these people owe us.

Next Week:  The Biblical Concept of Forgiveness

How often do we hear the word “deserve” used in our culture and, especially, on television ad campaigns?  “Get all the benefits you deserve.”  “Find all the happiness you deserve.” “Finally, you can live in that dream house you deserve!”  There are times when we definitely deserve some things because we have earned them.  If you put in the hours at work and do the job, you deserve to be paid.  If you have poured out the sweat to learn a craft, develop a skill, or become the best in a certain field you merit some recognition.  However, in our entitlement culture of participation trophies and no criticisms or rebukes, too many of us feel we deserve only good things and positive outcomes,  simply because we exist.

There are numerous dangers attached to that mindset, but the spiritual dangers are immense.  The moment I begin to believe that I am simply entitled to everything that others have, I feel cheated and victimized when I don’t have the possessions, the position, or the recognition of those around me.  Any rebuke, criticism, or discipline that comes my way is met with my anger and my demands that you or life has been unfair to me. What I am finding is that the entitlement mindset in our culture is creating an anger towards God because we think he hasn’t given us everything we desire and deserve.

That mindset eventually robs us of a heart of thankfulness and gratitude, which is a key to spiritual life and even spiritual warfare.  Paul taught the Philippians, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil.4:6-7).  Peace in our hearts is a quality that keeps Satan at bay. 

Thanksgiving places the emphasis on the goodness and generosity of God rather my own entitlement. My assurance in the goodness of God, despite my circumstances, leads to peace and peace guards my heart. The belief that I should always have what others have, with no effort on my part, and that I am not loved unless I get everything I want, breeds a life of envy and jealousy.  It robs a man or woman of contentment and is an open door for the enemy.

One of the key lessons to life and maturity is to understand Paul’s admonition to the Galatians. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest” (Gal.6:7). God has established a principle that we harvest what we plant in this life…both in the natural realm and the spiritual realm.  A harvest requires personal investment, work, effort, patience, and faith.   Any other view is deception. Certainly, gifts come to us that we did not earn, but those are the exception in life rather than the rule.  Our salvation is a gift from God, not something we could earn, but kingdom rewards come as a result of our faithful service to the King and our patient pursuit of His kingdom.  

For our children who have developed an entitlement mentality through our desire to give them everything they want when they want it, along with status and recognition they have not earned through effort, life is going to be a series of disappointments that they blame on everyone but themselves – including God.  The belief that they deserve all the perks of life and the blessings of the Kingdom without real effort on their part, is going to shortchange them in the long run and leave them empty and bitter. They will eventually feel cheated by life and eventually feel victimized by everyone and every circumstance. 

What we need to understand is that the only thing any of us truly deserve is eternity in hell.  Everything else should be considered a gift for which we are truly thankful even when it took effort on our part to receive it. Our focus must remain on what we have rather than what we don’t have.  What God has done for us, rather than something he hasn’t yet done for us. 

Paul spoke about the fact that he had learned the secret of contentment in every circumstance – when he had plenty and when he had little. The secret was his faith in the goodness and sovereignty of God.  He believed in every circumstance, what he had was designed by God to bring out the best in him and to produce the greatest harvest through him.  Even when he suffered, he believed there was some significant purpose that redeemed the suffering.  He never questioned God’s love when he didn’t have the position, possessions, or recognition “he deserved.”  He was simply thankful for what he did have – especially eternal life.  That needs to be our perspective on life and entitlement as well, and we need to teach that to our children.