We have been talking about the necessity and the act of forgiveness in which we decide and declare that we freely release someone from their debt to us.  Forgiveness is also a process.  Our decision to forgive is an act of obedience to God. That first step of forgiveness is a decision of the will not of our emotions.  That step takes away the enemy’s legal right to afflict us.  

When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, he is not telling us to like them, approve of them, or have warm fuzzy feelings toward them.  He commands us to agape our enemies which means to “act in their best interest” or “to act in a redemptive way” toward them.  He is calling us to make decisions to act in the eternal best interest of our enemies, regardless of how we feel. That is a decision of the will because we have the capacity to choose our decisions, but not always our emotions.  

However, God does not leave it there. The second part of forgiveness is a process of bringing our emotions in line with our decision to release the judgment of the matter to God.  The key is found in Luke 6.  There Jesus says:

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. 

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love yourenemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your father is merciful. 

In this section of Luke’s gospel, Jesus reveals the real key to letting go of the past.  It is not enough to refrain from making others pay for what they did to us, we must also choose to do good, even while they are still doing harmful things to us.

Our emotions will only follow our decisions after some time has passed.  Typically, we will decide to no longer require payment for wrongs done to us, long before our emotions agree with that decision.  Our emotions will follow only after God’s Spirit has moved in our hearts, and after we have consistently chosen to act positively toward those who have hurt us.   We may have to recommit to the process on numerous occasions.  Our motivation is to duplicate in our own lives the mercy that has been extended to us by God.

As we choose to bless those who curse us, do good to those who did us harm, and pray for those who mistreat us, our hearts change.  All I can say is that when we are obedient in this matter, God does a work in our hearts.  As we are obedient, we begin to see the people who hurt us in a different light.  We remember that our struggle is not truly against flesh and blood (people) but against spiritual powers (the devil).  We begin to see their brokenness and the way the devil oppresses and uses them rather than seeing them as the true enemy.  

Praying for our enemies softens our hearts so that bitterness doesn’t take root. Doing good to them is participating in the triumph of good over evil and we draw closer to Jesus because we are being more like him.  Again, our prayers, blessings, and doing good may or may not bring about blessings for them, but they will definitely bring about good for us.

Anger, bitterness, and resentment limit our ability to give love and receive it from others.  Those negative emotions hinder our ability to trust and to draw near to others – even those we want to love.  They hinder our capacity for intimacy and often spill out on those we are closest to, which pushes them away and ultimately robs us of the love we desperately want..  Forgiveness truly frees us from the pain we carry from our past and the bondage we have to bitterness or the crippling fear of being hurt again.  

If that is so, why do so many believers hold onto unforgiveness even though we are commanded to forgive and even though we may understand the benefits at a rational level?  I believe that we hold onto unforgiveness because we believe it will protect us from being hurt again.  We hold on out of fear.  Next week we will look at the reasons we hold on and expose the deception in those strategies to keep us from further pain.

The Biblical Concept of Forgiveness

In Part 1 of this series, I mentioned that many followers of Jesus walk in unforgiveness towards those who wronged them in some way in their past.  They either are unaware of the command to forgive, misunderstand the nature of biblical forgiveness, or feel that their situation is the exception.  This is such a critical matter that I wanted to spend a few weeks clarifying this essential part of the believer’s life. 

As we consider what Jesus and the writers of the New Testament have to say about forgiveness, we learn that it is both an event and a process.  Many of the stories Jesus told to demonstrate the principle of forgiveness take the form of financial debts being owed and those debts being cancelled.  As an event, forgiveness is simply a decision of the will to forgive a debt.  It is a decision to no longer require payment for an actual wrong done to us as well as a decision to release the judgment of those who have wronged us to God.

In Matthew 18, Jesus paints a picture of the very nature of forgiveness as seen from the perspective of heaven. 

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents‍ ‍was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him. “Be patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back everything.” The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. ‍ He grabbed him and began to choke him. “Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, “Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.”   But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.  (Matt. 18:21-35)

The core idea of forgiveness is to release a debt.  It is not an act that minimizes the debt, denies the debt, or excuses the one who owes the debt.  It recognizes that a debt beyond measure has been cancelled on our behalf, and so we must be willing to do the same for others…even when they have not repented or asked for our forgiveness.   

Forgiveness is not primarily a decision of the emotions.  Initially, we will likely still carry some measure of anger, feelings of betrayal and victimization. In spite of our feelings, forgiveness is a decision of the will to no longer act in ways that make the person who hurt you pay for what he or she did. We cannot command our emotions, but we can choose to act in certain ways or refrain from acting in certain ways by a decision of the will.  We can choose how we think about another person or what we say about another person, even if our emotions are not always aligned with those actions and thoughts.

Until we forgive, we often attempt to make these individuals “pay” through our hurtful behaviors, which may include …

1.   Angry outbursts directed at the hurtful person.

2.   Withdrawal of loving behaviors or interaction from the one we believe wronged us.

3.   Gossip or slander that attempts to damage the reputation and relationships of the “hurtful” person with family members, co-workers, church members, etc.

4.   Hurtful actions motivated by a desire for revenge in an attempt to “even the score.”

5.  Constantly bringing up a past wrong in an accusing way months and years after it happened.

6.  Praying against the person or speaking curses over him/her.

7.   Etc.

Again, the first step, which is an event, is to make a decision to release the debt owed to you.  That decision means you will no longer act in ways designed to make the other person pay for what he or she has done.  You do this as a decision and as a declaration that the debt is cancelled in the name of Jesus.  Doing so acknowledges your motivation for forgiving the debt and affirms what Jesus has done for you.  Along with this, you commit to no longer act in hurtful ways towards those who have hurt you.  

Paul spoke about this in his letter to the Romans.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.   Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.   On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12: 17-21

Notice that this section of scripture instructs us to act in loving or caring ways even towards “our enemies,” while assuring us that God will still deal with evil.  We simply turn judgment over to Him rather than acting as judges ourselves.  As we release judgment to God, we also release ourselves from the bitterness and anger we must keep alive as we try to punish those who wounded us.  

We may or may not overcome evil in the other person by our goodness or kindness, but we overcome the effects of evil in our own hearts by our forgiveness. As we forgive, we release the poison of our hurt and anger so that bitterness, self-pity, and vengeance do not take root in our own hearts.  That anger and bitterness will eventually spill over into our other relationships – even those that are important to us.

Many years ago, I counseled a woman who had been severely abused and terrorized by her ex-husband.  She had married again. She acknowledged that her second husband was a wonderful man, but she would fly into rages and cut him deeply with her words for seemingly no reason at all. The marriage was on the brink of collapse when she came to see me.  It didn’t take long to recognize that her problem was that she had not forgiven her first husband and was releasing her anger and bitterness toward him on her second husband on a daily basis. She quickly recognized what was happening, but couldn’t seem to help herself because she would not forgive her abusive husband.  Not only did she not want to forgive him, but declared in no uncertain terms, “I hope he burns in hell for what he did to me!”   There is a better ending that I swill tell you about later.  

There is always a blessing found in our obedience to God, even if it seems counterintuitive. Here is the blessing found in forgiving those who have wounded us.  Forgiveness releases us from our need to make the offending person pay their debt and allows us to lay aside the pain that we continue to keep alive as we constantly remember the hurt.  Until we forgive, we are tied to our past and tied to those who wounded us.  

In many ways, we continue to allow them to control us as our anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge tie us to them…even after their death.  We become prisoners of our own unforgiveness.  God wants to release us from that control by taking healing the hurt and presiding over the judgment of that wrong, so it no longer is a significant thread in our lives.  In many cases, forgiveness is for our benefit much more than for theirs.  Of course, it may open the door for reconciliation of a relationship, but even if it doesn’t, we can step into our future untethered to the past because we allow God to preside over the matter rather than us.  The first stage of forgiveness then is an event in which we choose to release the debt…not because our betrayers deserve it, but because the one who died for us, deserves it. 

Discussion / Reflection:  

Who are you still tied to in your past because you have not released the judgment and the matter to God?

How has your continuing bitterness and anger affected your happiness and important relationships through the years?

How would your life be better, if you never again had to think about the event or the person who wounded you?

How do you think your unforgiveness toward someone or even some organization has opened the door in your life for Satan to afflict and torment you?

How will you shut that door?

Next Week: The Process of Forgiveness

As Christians, I think that we often believe that other followers of Jesus understand the necessity to forgive those who have betrayed them and so they have actually done so.  However, every time we do a Freedom Weekend, I discover that many, many Christians have not forgiven those who have wronged them…even though God says he will not forgive our sins unless we forgive those who have wronged us.  Unforgiveness not only lets the devil in, but restricts the blessings and answered prayers that God desires to give us.

Any unforgiveness we carry, is always an open door for the enemy to disrupt our lives.  Because of that, I feel compelled to do a short series on forgiveness and the freedom we can find personally by obeying the Lord is this essential matter.  I want you to treat this as a kind of personal study and inventory of your own life regarding forgiveness.  You might even do a mini-study with a small group and explore some of the Discussion/Reflection questions about forgiveness with others. 

I have also discovered through the years that many believers are confused about biblical forgiveness. Sometimes we think we have forgiven someone when we haven’t and, at other times, we think we haven’t forgiven someone when, perhaps, we have.  Knowing the biblical definition of forgiveness and understanding why we sometimes choose not to forgive can be helpful in being obedient in this matter.  Practical steps in knowing how to move from bitterness to forgiveness can also be very helpful.  We will discuss all of this in the next few weeks on this blog. 

Freedom Through Forgiveness

The New Testament has a great deal to say about forgiveness.  The two following texts are a sample and should be very sobering to any of us who have been careless with forgiveness.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  Matthew 6:14-15

Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger, his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart. Matthew 18:32-35

Discussion / Reflection:  Spend some time responding personally to these questions or discussing them with a friend(s). 

• How would you define forgiveness?   
• Do you think it is fair for God to insist that you forgive people who have hurt you or keep hurting you? Why or why not?
• For you personally, why is it sometimes hard to forgive?
• Is there ever a time to withhold forgiveness?
• Does forgiving a person require that you let that person back in to your life?

God’s Way to Freedom

Christ doesn’t command us to do something that he himself has not done.  He commanded forgiveness as he taught the crowds in Palestine, but then gave us the ultimate example when he was hanging on a cross – having been unjustly accused, brutalized, and sentenced to death.

When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals-one on his right, the other on his left.  Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  Luke 23:33-34

Notice that Jesus did not forgive Israel because the leaders had come to him asking for his forgiveness.  The leaders of the Jews felt totally justified in what they had done.  Yet Jesus forgave them and prayed for the Father to do the same.  That is the heart of God and so he calls on us to forgive others…not because they deserve it, but because He has done that for us.  The following scriptures reflect the biblical theme of forgiving those who have hurt us.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Matthew 6:12 

 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.   Matthew 18:21-22 

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.   Mark 11:25 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.   Colossians  3:13-14 

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.   Luke 6:37 

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2

Discussion / Reflection:  What is your emotional response to those commands?

For many of us who have been wounded and betrayed by others, we feel ourselves pushing back against God in this matter.  Something feels wrong about releasing people from the wrongs they have done.  When we think about forgiving, we feel vulnerable. We feel as if God is minimizing our pain or invalidating our suffering.  We feel as if justice has been ignored.  We are afraid that forgiveness will open the door to them hurting us again. But, a look at the biblical concept of forgiveness will help us see the wisdom and blessing that come to us through releasing the debt that these people owe us.

Next Week:  The Biblical Concept of Forgiveness

How often do we hear the word “deserve” used in our culture and, especially, on television ad campaigns?  “Get all the benefits you deserve.”  “Find all the happiness you deserve.” “Finally, you can live in that dream house you deserve!”  There are times when we definitely deserve some things because we have earned them.  If you put in the hours at work and do the job, you deserve to be paid.  If you have poured out the sweat to learn a craft, develop a skill, or become the best in a certain field you merit some recognition.  However, in our entitlement culture of participation trophies and no criticisms or rebukes, too many of us feel we deserve only good things and positive outcomes,  simply because we exist.

There are numerous dangers attached to that mindset, but the spiritual dangers are immense.  The moment I begin to believe that I am simply entitled to everything that others have, I feel cheated and victimized when I don’t have the possessions, the position, or the recognition of those around me.  Any rebuke, criticism, or discipline that comes my way is met with my anger and my demands that you or life has been unfair to me. What I am finding is that the entitlement mindset in our culture is creating an anger towards God because we think he hasn’t given us everything we desire and deserve.

That mindset eventually robs us of a heart of thankfulness and gratitude, which is a key to spiritual life and even spiritual warfare.  Paul taught the Philippians, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil.4:6-7).  Peace in our hearts is a quality that keeps Satan at bay. 

Thanksgiving places the emphasis on the goodness and generosity of God rather my own entitlement. My assurance in the goodness of God, despite my circumstances, leads to peace and peace guards my heart. The belief that I should always have what others have, with no effort on my part, and that I am not loved unless I get everything I want, breeds a life of envy and jealousy.  It robs a man or woman of contentment and is an open door for the enemy.

One of the key lessons to life and maturity is to understand Paul’s admonition to the Galatians. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest” (Gal.6:7). God has established a principle that we harvest what we plant in this life…both in the natural realm and the spiritual realm.  A harvest requires personal investment, work, effort, patience, and faith.   Any other view is deception. Certainly, gifts come to us that we did not earn, but those are the exception in life rather than the rule.  Our salvation is a gift from God, not something we could earn, but kingdom rewards come as a result of our faithful service to the King and our patient pursuit of His kingdom.  

For our children who have developed an entitlement mentality through our desire to give them everything they want when they want it, along with status and recognition they have not earned through effort, life is going to be a series of disappointments that they blame on everyone but themselves – including God.  The belief that they deserve all the perks of life and the blessings of the Kingdom without real effort on their part, is going to shortchange them in the long run and leave them empty and bitter. They will eventually feel cheated by life and eventually feel victimized by everyone and every circumstance. 

What we need to understand is that the only thing any of us truly deserve is eternity in hell.  Everything else should be considered a gift for which we are truly thankful even when it took effort on our part to receive it. Our focus must remain on what we have rather than what we don’t have.  What God has done for us, rather than something he hasn’t yet done for us. 

Paul spoke about the fact that he had learned the secret of contentment in every circumstance – when he had plenty and when he had little. The secret was his faith in the goodness and sovereignty of God.  He believed in every circumstance, what he had was designed by God to bring out the best in him and to produce the greatest harvest through him.  Even when he suffered, he believed there was some significant purpose that redeemed the suffering.  He never questioned God’s love when he didn’t have the position, possessions, or recognition “he deserved.”  He was simply thankful for what he did have – especially eternal life.  That needs to be our perspective on life and entitlement as well, and we need to teach that to our children.