An acceptable part of our culture in 2022 is for a couple to live together without being married and even to have children together outside the covenant of marriage. Celebrities have paved the way for the normalization of that arrangement, and many young Christian couples have followed in their footsteps.
It is not uncommon for couples to come to premarital classes at our church or come to Free Indeed, our spiritual warfare component, while living together unmarried…maybe even with children. Many seem to be unaware of the biblical injunctions against that arrangement. Culture does not change the Word of God and it clearly declares that any kind of sex outside the covenant of marriage is sin. The biblical term for sex outside of marriage is “fornication” or “adultery” if either party is still married to another. Some want to argue that cohabiting is not sin because both parties are being monogamous and are verbally committed to one another. This skirts the definition of marriage in scripture but, since either party can take off when they feel like it without legal actions and because they do not present themselves as married, it is not marriage.
Much of the blame falls on my generation of postwar “baby boomers” who took on the mantle of “free love” and living together either as a statement against social norms or as a trial-run before marriage. So many of our children have experienced divorce in their homes that they simply fear making a mistake in marriage and then going through what they saw their parents go through. They also fear putting children through the divorce experience if their own marriages fail. The response seems to have been almost a cultural decision to test the waters for marriage by living together for months or years to see if life under the same roof was manageable. In the natural realm, the approach seems to make sense. Don’t by a car until you have taken a lengthy test drive.
However, in the spiritual realm, it is outside of God’s will (sin) and, therefore, invites the devil into the relationship. Anytime believers participate in a sin for an extended period without repentance, it opens them up to the enemy. Since they have come into agreement with Satan in that part of their lives, he has a legal right in the courts of heaven to afflict them and the persistent sin of that relationship withholds God’s blessing from what they are doing. David declared, “Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened” (Psm.66:16-19).
Even in the natural realm, statistics show that those who live together and then marry, have a higher divorce rate than those who simply marry. So, in actuality, the “test drive” gives no real assurance that the relationship will work in a marriage. I think there are a couple of reasons for that.
First of all, “living together” is a relationship in which partners promise to stay together only as long as it works. When it stops being fun or fulfilling, one partner has permission and the expectation to pack up and move out. The relationship is based on the premise that the couple actually anticipates failure, so they will not enter into a lifetime commitment. That approach to a relationship is a contract, rather than a covenant. Contracts say “I am in this relationship as long as you meet my expectations.” Biblical marriage is a covenant and covenants are a commitment to make the relationship work…even when one party has a bad day, month, or year. You know…for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
I think living together reinforces the notion that I’m only in this as long as it feels good and is a good deal for me. Even if the couple eventually marries, I think they often take the same mindset into the marriage because that has already defined the relationship and is the mindset of our culture…so divorce rates are high.
God, however is a covenant God who is faithful even when we are not and who brings all of his resources to bear to restore and maintain the relationships, even when our hearts have taken a vacation. Without that same mindset, without the Holy Spirit combatting our brokenness and selfishness, and without the blessings of God, few marriages will make it in this world. Because cohabiting in a sexual relationship is outside of God’s will, those resources will not be available to the couple or will be greatly hindered.
Successful marriages today, require a strong commitment to work through the issues, the failures, and the rough spots. We all bring a measure of brokenness and selfishness into marriages that will either be healed or will be a constant source of wounding and conflict.
My experience is that the Word of God activated in our lives, the healing and transforming power of the Holy Spirit, and the support of God’s spiritual family are the best resources for any marriage to make it and to develop into a relationship full of blessings rather than disappointment.
Couples who are living together outside the covenant of marriage are living without those powerful resources as well as opening the front door of their lives to the enemy who wants only to kill, steal and destroy. When couples show up who are cohabiting, we do not run them off because God loves them. But we certainly encourage them to marry, stay sexually pure until they do marry, and to draw close to the Lord where they will learn to truly love.
Marriage is designed to shape us into the image of Jesus Christ by illuminating our rough spots, our selfishness, and our brokenness so that these areas of our lives can be submitted to Jesus, when we protect ourselves from potential pain by low level commitments, we will not be changed. We will simply take our baggage with us into the next relationship and the next.
